When someone is open enough to share that they live with a mental health condition like bipolar disorder, depression, or PTSD, it takes courage. How we respond matters. One of the most common — yet most damaging — responses people give is: “What happened to you?”
At first glance, it might sound like an innocent question. But in reality, it carries weight, assumptions, and unintended harm. Here’s why it’s best to avoid this phrase — and what to say instead.
1. It Reduces a Person to Their Illness
Asking “What happened to you?” implies that the individual is broken, damaged, or defined solely by their diagnosis. Mental health challenges don’t always stem from one specific event. Conditions like bipolar disorder are complex and often influenced by genetics, biology, and environment — not just trauma or a single “cause.”
By framing it as something that “happened,” the question puts the focus on pathology rather than personhood.
2. It Can Trigger Shame or Guilt
Many people with mental health conditions already struggle with stigma, self-blame, and fear of judgment. Being asked “what happened” can make them feel like they need to explain, justify, or relive painful experiences. For some, it can even reopen wounds or trigger symptoms.
What’s intended as curiosity can feel like interrogation.
3. It Oversimplifies a Complex Reality
Mental health is not a straight line. For someone with bipolar disorder, it’s not about one event but an ongoing balance of highs, lows, and management strategies. Suggesting it boils down to “what happened” oversimplifies the condition and risks minimizing the daily reality of living with it.
4. It Centers Your Curiosity Instead of Their Experience
This question often serves the person asking more than the person being asked. It’s less about offering support and more about satisfying curiosity. Supportive conversations should be led by empathy, not the need to know someone’s “backstory.”
5. It Misses the Chance to Show Real Support
Instead of probing into personal history, you can show compassion and support by focusing on the present. Questions like:
- “How are you feeling today?”
- “Is there a way I can support you right now?”
- “Do you want to talk, or would you prefer a distraction?”
These invite connection without pressure, allowing the person to share what they feel comfortable sharing.
What to Say Instead
If you want to be supportive without being intrusive, try:
- “I appreciate you sharing that with me.”
- “I’m here for you.”
- “Would you like to talk about how you’re managing, or would you rather keep things light?”
These phrases validate without prying.
Final Thought
Living with a mental health condition is already a heavy journey. The last thing someone needs is to feel defined by or interrogated about their struggles. “What happened to you?” is a question rooted in stigma and oversimplification. Instead, let’s choose words that affirm dignity, encourage trust, and create safe spaces for open dialogue.
Trauma Bonding Besties 
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